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"Lou is not talking about mechanics when he goes out to the mound,"
~Chicago Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Worst season ever

So let me tell you about a professional(loose term) baseball team that crushes my soul with their ineptitude. You guessed it I am talking about the Houston Astros. The stros record entering today is 39 and 56. They trail everyone in the division excluding the pirates and they are making a strong run at the bucs for last place. Certainly a lot of people saw this coming and to say I was one of them would be true except that I also have a denial problem.

The Astros have scored 135 less runs then they have allowed this year and are near the bottom percentage of just about every meaningful statistic that exists in baseball. Armed with this information it would be safe to assume that this has been a bad year, but it goes farther. This is the "worst year ever'. Let me list just why this year for Astros baseball has hummed on balls the way it has.

1. We started the year with a feliz/blum -manzilla left side of the infield because we have no farm system. Manzilla is a 30 year old rookie

2. Carlos Lee is a fat sack of no hitting shit. Sucking at defense and offense makes you virtually worthless. Funny thing is the Astros owe him close to 40 mil for the net two years sooooooooo........yeah.

3.Our best pitcher requested a trade two weeks into the season and the worst hitting team in the major leagues waited till mid season to fire their hitting coach

4. I actually pay for mlb extra innings for the first time in my life. That means that I am paying extra to watch them lose.

5. I got dressed up in all Astros gear to watch them play the Dodgers here in LA. Expecting to be the only die hard Astro fan in the crowd. I showed up at what must have been the gang entrance to Dodger stadium. The latino gang banger heckling didnt last long before my girlfriend was detained at the entrance for trying to sneak liquor in. Let me be clear: the only people getting kicked out of the Dodgers game that day were the 2 Astros fans and some guy who was bussed there by some kind of LA homeless organization. I watched them lose from my apartment.

6. Brian Moehler going on the DL was a major loss for this team. Say that again to yourself.

7. The Los Angeles lakers won the NBA championship

8. They were no hit by a schitzo while on a nomadic homeless home-stand from a hurricane in Milwaukee. Wait, sorry that wasn't this season.

9. They traded for and now start Angel Sanchez at SS. Who the hell is angel sanchez?

10. Perhaps the most unnerving of all. They are rumored to be sending Roy Oswalt to the St. Louis Cardinals. Two things here: A. we will get owned and B. ITS THE FUCKING ST LOUIS CARDINALS!! Are you kidding me? I hate this team with the passion of a Danielle Steele novel and now we are sending them our best pitcher?

This season has blown goats and I have no choice but to look toward the NFL as a gleaming oasis upon the horizon. I hope that someday the Astros begin to draft and actually pay good players so that they have a farm system. I hope that maybe they hire a gm who studies numbers and doesnt get his ass choked in lunch hall like its prison. I hope that they find there way back to the world series before I die, Im almost thirty and I have reason to be worried on this one.

Seriously though, fuck this season.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sweet Lou Goes Home

Well, sorry Lou. I love ya man. Sorry to see you go. Lot's of folks who call themselves Cubs Fans love to blame you. But they're not really baseball fans. They don't know the game. We do, my man. And we'll miss ya.

"I don't care about feelings. Let's take feelings out of this." - So said the Manager of the Year of 95, 01 and 08.

Asking Lou Pinella to coach the Cubs and win the Series is like asking Jimmy Johnson to take a Hyundai into the winner's circle at Daytona. It just ain't gonna happen. Not while Hendry and the Ivory Tower think throwing a couple of overpaid idiots with no mind for the game (that's you Fonzie and Z) Top Five money for nothing. Well, they do get on ESPN for egregious errors and mental meltdowns. Yep, good job. Beer anyone?

Let's not even talk about Fukudome getting paid more than D Lee. Ever wonder what a $133 million dollar Hyundai looks like? The Tower knows.

Well, here's to you Lou, for giving it your best shot. Hard to make this team filled with fiscal irresponsibility into anything more than you did. Thanks for trying to bring some real baseball into Ozzie's Northside Bar. Sorry it didn't work out.

"I'm not afraid of anything," Lou said. Well, besides coaching one more year with these fools. Let's hope the new direction of the team angles more towards wins than concession sales.

I'm not holding my breath though. We know better 'round these parts.

But, back to tonight. This one's on me, Lou. Cheers.

Well, and Aramis. Glad to see him back. Where ya been Fool?! A little late ain't ya? But, hey, that's what the Cubs do best. Gotta get close enough in the race to sell plenty of $6.75 brewskies. Still, a three dinger day is a good day indeed. Especially when that W gets raised up on the pole.

Now, let's see how long it takes for Lilly to be moved.

Go Cubs!

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Or, in other words, I'm watching Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN...

How can anyone, especially an alleged sports network, put these idiots on TV and give them money.

Example: Home run hit off Halladay by the Cubs Geo Soto got "caught up in the wind" and was pushed out "miraculously" (I mean, the flags aren't even moving... not a puff). But, OK, lots of idiots do the same thing in Wrigley. Everything hit is caught up in Jesus, I mean, the WIND. It's like magic man! Cue the idiot sheep-like smile.

Then, according to Joe Handicapable I Don't Believe In Stats Morgan and Orel I Believe In Ghosts Hersheiser, on the very next pitch, a ball gets hit and is foul to the first base side and the wind blew that one too... Directly right. Out beyond the first base dugout. Man, that wind sure is creepy. It just blows shit every which a way. Some one better call the Weather Channel! I think we got us one of them Chicago Hurricanes!

Well Blow ME why don't ya!?

Like the muttonhead analysts on ESPN Baseball. Full of hot air and no substance beyond mythology and Tim McCarver like I-swear-I-almost-sound-like-I-know-something-isms.

I got this novel idea. Physics. It'll help you. So will basic freaking intelligence. Are we asking too much to, I don't know, be smarter than a fifth grader?!?

Obviously, we certainly are.

Isn't some fat fuck dancing their ass off right now? Oh shit, are we missing it?!

Then, Gorzo walks Halladay in the 5th, which sucks, this is true. To lead off the inning even. And what is the infinite wisdom these mentally challenged highly paid "experts" tell us? THAT NEVER HAPPENS!! Wow! GEE THANKS DAD!! I bet Mom isn't really working late either!

Umm, let's not, ya know analyze things. Hey look, that dude's dead! Thanks Brokaw, good job with the news. Now here's Julie with the weather.


This is what lack of competition breeds. Folks tellin' us piss is really light beer. Well, they may be right about that one, but still.

"Just remember how stupid the average person is and remember... Half of 'em are even stupider than that!" - Mr. George Carlin

Go Cubs! (at least .500?)

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Thursday, July 08, 2010

Blame Delonte West

Hey Cleveland fans! Yes, yes, everyone hates you. It's so easy to wallow in self-pity instead of do something about it. I know.

But, if you're going to blame someone, sure, blame LeBratchelor. No prob. I understand. But, you really want to know when shit when down?

When Delonte West started having sex with LeBron's Mom.

Thanks Delonte!

Well, at least Miami thanks you.

Now, I want to see wtf Miami fans think Riley's going to do to sign 11 people with 10 million dollars.

Good luck!

You know who else is happy? Dwight Howard! Thanks for making sure he goes for 30 points and 20 boards 12 games a year!

Congrats LeBron. Good job going to the third best team in the East. Hope it was worth it.

Oh, and Kobe might be the happiest. No more Boozer in Utah. No more Amare in Phoenix. Oh yeah. Put the Lakers' name on the Trophy now.

Thanks LeBatchelor!


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