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"Lou is not talking about mechanics when he goes out to the mound,"
~Chicago Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Worst season ever

So let me tell you about a professional(loose term) baseball team that crushes my soul with their ineptitude. You guessed it I am talking about the Houston Astros. The stros record entering today is 39 and 56. They trail everyone in the division excluding the pirates and they are making a strong run at the bucs for last place. Certainly a lot of people saw this coming and to say I was one of them would be true except that I also have a denial problem.

The Astros have scored 135 less runs then they have allowed this year and are near the bottom percentage of just about every meaningful statistic that exists in baseball. Armed with this information it would be safe to assume that this has been a bad year, but it goes farther. This is the "worst year ever'. Let me list just why this year for Astros baseball has hummed on balls the way it has.

1. We started the year with a feliz/blum -manzilla left side of the infield because we have no farm system. Manzilla is a 30 year old rookie

2. Carlos Lee is a fat sack of no hitting shit. Sucking at defense and offense makes you virtually worthless. Funny thing is the Astros owe him close to 40 mil for the net two years sooooooooo........yeah.

3.Our best pitcher requested a trade two weeks into the season and the worst hitting team in the major leagues waited till mid season to fire their hitting coach

4. I actually pay for mlb extra innings for the first time in my life. That means that I am paying extra to watch them lose.

5. I got dressed up in all Astros gear to watch them play the Dodgers here in LA. Expecting to be the only die hard Astro fan in the crowd. I showed up at what must have been the gang entrance to Dodger stadium. The latino gang banger heckling didnt last long before my girlfriend was detained at the entrance for trying to sneak liquor in. Let me be clear: the only people getting kicked out of the Dodgers game that day were the 2 Astros fans and some guy who was bussed there by some kind of LA homeless organization. I watched them lose from my apartment.

6. Brian Moehler going on the DL was a major loss for this team. Say that again to yourself.

7. The Los Angeles lakers won the NBA championship

8. They were no hit by a schitzo while on a nomadic homeless home-stand from a hurricane in Milwaukee. Wait, sorry that wasn't this season.

9. They traded for and now start Angel Sanchez at SS. Who the hell is angel sanchez?

10. Perhaps the most unnerving of all. They are rumored to be sending Roy Oswalt to the St. Louis Cardinals. Two things here: A. we will get owned and B. ITS THE FUCKING ST LOUIS CARDINALS!! Are you kidding me? I hate this team with the passion of a Danielle Steele novel and now we are sending them our best pitcher?

This season has blown goats and I have no choice but to look toward the NFL as a gleaming oasis upon the horizon. I hope that someday the Astros begin to draft and actually pay good players so that they have a farm system. I hope that maybe they hire a gm who studies numbers and doesnt get his ass choked in lunch hall like its prison. I hope that they find there way back to the world series before I die, Im almost thirty and I have reason to be worried on this one.

Seriously though, fuck this season.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sweet Lou Goes Home

Well, sorry Lou. I love ya man. Sorry to see you go. Lot's of folks who call themselves Cubs Fans love to blame you. But they're not really baseball fans. They don't know the game. We do, my man. And we'll miss ya.

"I don't care about feelings. Let's take feelings out of this." - So said the Manager of the Year of 95, 01 and 08.

Asking Lou Pinella to coach the Cubs and win the Series is like asking Jimmy Johnson to take a Hyundai into the winner's circle at Daytona. It just ain't gonna happen. Not while Hendry and the Ivory Tower think throwing a couple of overpaid idiots with no mind for the game (that's you Fonzie and Z) Top Five money for nothing. Well, they do get on ESPN for egregious errors and mental meltdowns. Yep, good job. Beer anyone?

Let's not even talk about Fukudome getting paid more than D Lee. Ever wonder what a $133 million dollar Hyundai looks like? The Tower knows.

Well, here's to you Lou, for giving it your best shot. Hard to make this team filled with fiscal irresponsibility into anything more than you did. Thanks for trying to bring some real baseball into Ozzie's Northside Bar. Sorry it didn't work out.

"I'm not afraid of anything," Lou said. Well, besides coaching one more year with these fools. Let's hope the new direction of the team angles more towards wins than concession sales.

I'm not holding my breath though. We know better 'round these parts.

But, back to tonight. This one's on me, Lou. Cheers.

Well, and Aramis. Glad to see him back. Where ya been Fool?! A little late ain't ya? But, hey, that's what the Cubs do best. Gotta get close enough in the race to sell plenty of $6.75 brewskies. Still, a three dinger day is a good day indeed. Especially when that W gets raised up on the pole.

Now, let's see how long it takes for Lilly to be moved.

Go Cubs!

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Or, in other words, I'm watching Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN...

How can anyone, especially an alleged sports network, put these idiots on TV and give them money.

Example: Home run hit off Halladay by the Cubs Geo Soto got "caught up in the wind" and was pushed out "miraculously" (I mean, the flags aren't even moving... not a puff). But, OK, lots of idiots do the same thing in Wrigley. Everything hit is caught up in Jesus, I mean, the WIND. It's like magic man! Cue the idiot sheep-like smile.

Then, according to Joe Handicapable I Don't Believe In Stats Morgan and Orel I Believe In Ghosts Hersheiser, on the very next pitch, a ball gets hit and is foul to the first base side and the wind blew that one too... Directly right. Out beyond the first base dugout. Man, that wind sure is creepy. It just blows shit every which a way. Some one better call the Weather Channel! I think we got us one of them Chicago Hurricanes!

Well Blow ME why don't ya!?

Like the muttonhead analysts on ESPN Baseball. Full of hot air and no substance beyond mythology and Tim McCarver like I-swear-I-almost-sound-like-I-know-something-isms.

I got this novel idea. Physics. It'll help you. So will basic freaking intelligence. Are we asking too much to, I don't know, be smarter than a fifth grader?!?

Obviously, we certainly are.

Isn't some fat fuck dancing their ass off right now? Oh shit, are we missing it?!

Then, Gorzo walks Halladay in the 5th, which sucks, this is true. To lead off the inning even. And what is the infinite wisdom these mentally challenged highly paid "experts" tell us? THAT NEVER HAPPENS!! Wow! GEE THANKS DAD!! I bet Mom isn't really working late either!

Umm, let's not, ya know analyze things. Hey look, that dude's dead! Thanks Brokaw, good job with the news. Now here's Julie with the weather.


This is what lack of competition breeds. Folks tellin' us piss is really light beer. Well, they may be right about that one, but still.

"Just remember how stupid the average person is and remember... Half of 'em are even stupider than that!" - Mr. George Carlin

Go Cubs! (at least .500?)

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Thursday, July 08, 2010

Blame Delonte West

Hey Cleveland fans! Yes, yes, everyone hates you. It's so easy to wallow in self-pity instead of do something about it. I know.

But, if you're going to blame someone, sure, blame LeBratchelor. No prob. I understand. But, you really want to know when shit when down?

When Delonte West started having sex with LeBron's Mom.

Thanks Delonte!

Well, at least Miami thanks you.

Now, I want to see wtf Miami fans think Riley's going to do to sign 11 people with 10 million dollars.

Good luck!

You know who else is happy? Dwight Howard! Thanks for making sure he goes for 30 points and 20 boards 12 games a year!

Congrats LeBron. Good job going to the third best team in the East. Hope it was worth it.

Oh, and Kobe might be the happiest. No more Boozer in Utah. No more Amare in Phoenix. Oh yeah. Put the Lakers' name on the Trophy now.

Thanks LeBatchelor!


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Monday, March 08, 2010

Good Sign in Early Spring

Gotta love Lou Pinella. He's not screwing around with the lineup right off the bat. Here's how the top of the lineup looks today in the Spring Training game against the Oakland A's:

Ryan Theriot, SS
Kosuke Fukudome, RF
Derrek Lee, 1B
Aramis Ramirez, 3B
Marlon Byrd, CF
Alfonso Soriano, LF

All I can say is, Hell Yeah. Soriano in the six slot. It's about time. No more BS about him being a leadoff guy. No putting the worst OBP starter in the two slot. Move him down to six where he can swing his oversized bat a few times and maybe get some RBI's for once. He's not a rally starter, but he's been quite the killer, so let's hope he doesn't start off a sad 6-9 O-fer game after game.

But, for now, I am pleased :) Well, except for the lack of lefties... (but we should be used to that by now)

And, as far as that "diving catch" goes a few days ago... please. WTF. I mean, for Fonzy, it was good. Sure. And I appreciate the effort. But, it was on the freaking Top Ten plays of the day on the Mothership. /fail. Let's hope it was a slow day for highlights.

Speaking of, how about Landon Donovan's fantastic goal + assist day for Everton on Sunday morning? Yeah, I know, you prob didn't see it. :P But, it was s w e e t. He's got some subtle skills that I hadn't really taken the time to notice before. When you see him perform like that in the Barclay's Premier League, damn, that's some good shit.

But, as far as the Chicago Cubs go, let's hope they can display some subtle skills of their own. The starting pitching rotation is making me nervous. We'll have to see how it develops, but, it's definitely not what anyone (sober) would call "top tier" (see St. Louis). They need Big Z and Dempster to really come out firing to have a chance. Let's hope that happens, but I wouldn't plan that trip to Vegas just yet.

Ted Lilly is throwing off the mound. Nady is ready to swing the bat but not throw from the OF yet. More here from ESPN's Cubs Blog. Hope these two keep moving in the right direction.

Go Cubs!!

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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Why is Texas Number 2?

Besides the obvious jokes the headline suggests, why the hell is Texas number two in the country? I mean, beating Division 2 Louisiana-Beauty School and looking shabby against Wyoming and then barely beating unranked Texas Tech at home by ten? Revenge? Fuck that. There's no revenge in beating an unranked team at home after allowing them to knock you out of the Title Picture last year. This Tech team has no resemblance to that team. TTU is NOT RANKED! They have no business keeping this a game into the fourth quarter, much less somehow justifying UT's farcical placement into the top of the college game. No one is pretending they even come close to last year's great team. STFU ESPN/ABC. Stop shoving this crap down our throats. You got lucky it was even a game. Texas allowed over 400 passing yards from a team that lost three starting Offensive Lineman, their starting quarterback, and one of the best receivers in the college game. Just who thinks we should buy this bullshit? Well, besides Disney/ABC/ESPN...

Kindly remove your preconceptions of what you thought would happen and base your thoughts on what you've actually seen this year. Texas hasn't beaten anyone worth anything. And somehow they are number two... WHY?! Alabama has beaten a tough Va Tech team that just beat Nebraska in a great game of ranked teams. Michigan has actually beaten a ranked Notre Dame. Miami has beaten TWO ranked teams. What gives?

Abolish the Preseason poll. Now. It is damaging the credibility of College Football. What's left of it (when's the last time a Heisman Trophy winner translated success into the NFL?). I mean, the fact they don't settle the actual championship with, ya know, an Actual Game, is crock enough. But, this who can we get more ratings with BS of a preseason poll is just an absolute mockery. It's all based on viewership and the number of alumni they have watching television. If you don't believe it, count how many undefeated teams will still be ranked below USC, who just lost to an unranked team for the fourth straight year, once the new polls come out. Why does Notre Dame get all it's games on national television?

And, to make things worse, the Longhorns don't play anyone this season except Oklahoma. Just like usual. Well, except last year when TTU caught lightning in a bottle. Sure, OK St, who just lost to HOUSTON... Kansas? Really? Mizzou? Not a great team this year. The Big 12 is worse than the SEC again, and probably the Pac 10 this year. There could be an argument for the Big 10 as well, but, with the weather the Big 12 teams enjoy, the better athletes, as a whole, will always come down here. So, I'd think from top to bottom, the Big 12 is better, since the bottom-feeders here could kick the pants off the bottom-feeders up there.

Back to the point, the goal of this farce is to keep the big boys up top, so their 100,000+ stadiums remain full, the conferences continue to cash in and the networks continue to enjoy ratings, no matter what the actual strengths of these teams are. It's all about money. Well, what isn't. But, if we are going to actually call this a competition, let's let the actions on the field mean something. Even though the teams are stupidly not allowed to settle things on the field at the end of the season anyway.

It's just a ridiculous Beauty Contest anyway. Should I even get into the fact that the month in between the last games and the second to the last games for these teams at their season's end changes everything as well? That and, besides the No. 1 vs. No. 2 game, all the other matchups are set up as a guaranteed win so the Big Dollar teams get to enjoy a "win" at the end of their seasons, so the "kids" and big money grads can continue to hand over their millions to the networks and the NCAA.

Nah, I'm tired. And forget College Football anyway. It's a joke. I've wasted too much time on it already.


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Tax Cheese, Not Soda

If you really want to help the health of the nation, don't tax soda. Who cares. And, Coca-Cola and Pepsi have way too much money anyway. You won't win that and it doesn't make as much sense as another move that could actually help folks. Tax Cheese.

I know, I know, we all like cheese. Well, except the lactose intolerant. But, hear me out. Even the right-wingers might get on board with this one. Ya know, those dang French sure make a lot of cheese...

Seriously, though. Soda is just sugar and water and a bit of coloring. Sure, not great, but worse for your teeth than for your girth. OK, maybe not so good for either. :P Cheese, however, is pretty much just fat and calories. Sure, there's some milk proteins, but, come on, what the hell is cheese anyway? Spoiled milk? I could live without it. Well, "could" being the operative word. I do like myself some good cheese. But, I'd understand taxing it to pay for healthcare. Or maybe potato chips and/or french fries. These things really add to the unhealthiness of America. OK, soda too, but it's not as big a problem as these fried foods.

Will any food be taxed? No, of course not. It makes too much sense. Fat people pay taxes too. And buy two seats on a plane. Not like those "damn" smokers and drinkers... Maybe we should tax by the pound divided by height. lol. But really, we should do something. Why should folks who choose to be unhealthy weigh down the whole system? And there are too damn many of these bigguns. I mean, look around. See what I mean? Ya think these folks won't flip out when food is literally being taken from their mouths?

If folks would just take care of themselves and not get so fucking fat, maybe we wouldn't have so much cost in healthcare anyway. Take a page from Bill Maher and get a clue. I want to be clear here, if folks want to get fat, go ahead. Have fun. But don't expect me to be happy paying for it.

That, and let's get rid of all the paperwork bullshit. Seriously.

And forcing folks to get insurance is just wrong. If I don't want Insurance, why do I have to get it? If I get sick, I pay out of pocket or I die. Cool with me. Shouldn't I be able to choose to not go to the hospital? I haven't gone for 10 years now. And when I did that time, I used a little known thing called cash to pay for it. Why make me pay every month for something I don't use? How much would that be in wasted monthly payments? Where's that money going? Who's using it? Why make decisions for me? Am I FREE or not? Well, then again, if I'm paying taxes to cover healthcare, why am I paying taxes and monthly healthcare premiums? WTF?

And I'm what folks call a Liberal...


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Friday, September 11, 2009

The One

Michael Jordan goes into the Basketball Hall of Fame today. No person on the planet is surprised. The Man, The Legend, The Greatest to Ever Play The Game.

Great pre-ceremony speech. Love what he said about Phil Jackson, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, David Robinson and Jerry Sloan. What else can really be said? Bask in the wonderment of what has passed. We shall never see this moment again.

Thank you Michael for all the moments you brought us. I shall never forget the greatness I witnessed. Too Bad the Bulls got lucky and will never repeat as NBA Champions. At least not with present ownership/management.

But, Six Times ain't so bad ;)

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Monday, September 07, 2009

Did the Cubs REALLY just lose two of three to the Mets?

Yeah, They Did...

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