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"Lou is not talking about mechanics when he goes out to the mound,"
~Chicago Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Elijah Dukes Is Sane, Logical

Why do I love talk radio? Because it gives Elijah Dukes a medium to spread his infinite wisdom. Some highlights from the transcript:

"I know if I stayed with her I'd physically be in prison because she provoked me by hitting me, " Dukes said. "She done hit me across the head with a picture frame and everything. I hate that because I told my kids I would never go back to jail for no domestic violence."

My dad told me the same thing when I was 7, but then my bitch of a mother had to go and overcook the meatloaf. What choice did my pops have but to beat her senseless with a scolding hot iron? It's been a tradition of my sister's and mine to take a slice of perfectly cooked meatloaf to Thanksgiving visitations ever since.

"How many times have I ever shot someone?" Dukes said. "How many times have I ever stabbed someone? How many times have I gone to jail for brutally beating someone? Never..."

I've done some really bad things to some really good people in my life, but in my defense, I have never--NEVER--forced a little old lady to perform oral sex on a puppy before throwing both of them into a wood chipper. (Or at least the statute of limitations has long since expired.)

Dukes also admits that he "did something one time" with the 17 year old foster child in his step-grandmother's house. Call me naive, but I don't see any harm in playing a little game called Just The Tip. And for all we know, "did something" could mean "baked cookies for homeless children," and "one time" could mean "every other Thursday." Now, in that context, is Elijah Dukes such a bad man?

His mother, Phyllis, called the station after Dukes spoke, defending her son from accusations of fathering more children by pointing out: "I can say I'm pregnant from Carl Crawford, okay? And you know that's hearsay."

I have never claimed to be a responsible journalist, so, in as much, I stopped reading after after the word, "okay."


Carl Crawford knocked up Elijah Dukes' mom.* This story just keeps on giving.

*may or may not be true, but most likely is

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