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"Lou is not talking about mechanics when he goes out to the mound,"
~Chicago Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Ranting Like the Madman I Am

OK, not much worth taking a whole post for, so I'm going to run around the Sports World, as it were, and drop a few tidbits along the way.

So, buckle yourselves in sportsfans, and be ready for part rant, part nonsense, part wtf are you looking at fool?

First off, the retirement of Jerry Rice. Well, honestly, it's up to Jerry. It's his decision to make. I guess when Shanahan told him he might not even be third string, the lightbulb lit up full force, and Jerry realized, hey, maybe it's time to hang 'em up. Hey man, you lasted 20 years. You took 'em all. Maybe you can't run with the young fools anymore. Sorry, but even the greatest of athletes meet their maker one day. You've reached your limit. Helluva run. Nothing to be sorry or embarrassed about. Well, except you should have retired either before the season started or after the season was over. But, again, that's all up to you. You've certainly earned the right to tell us the when and where.

But, speaking of NOT earning it...

Barroid Bonds (cue circus music here). I'm not sure about you, but Barroid Bonds' return to baseball holds about as much excitement for me as finding a penny on the floor of a cab. With gum stuck to it. And a slime-gloss covering the exterior. Whatever. For all of you who think he's only been "accused" of steroids, that he's never tested positive and all that political BS, let me remind you of one important thing: He's already admitted to using steroids, only "unknowingly". Under Grand Jury testimony, he stated he used both the "clear" and the "cream" but "did not know" that they were actually steroids. Whatever. You used them, your best buddy was pretty much the Johnny Appleseed of steroids in baseball. Do you think we didn't notice you blew up in size? You don't own a mirror or something? You don't think we didn't notice the 49 homers one year and the 73 the next? You hit 40 homers or more three times in 14 years, but then you suddenly did it five years in a row, including that 73 steroid-infused abberation? Have you forgotten what you looked like as a Pittsburgh Pirate? Whatever. Live in your sorry-ass fantasy world. Get another one of your young family members to stand in between reporters and you later on. Real Classy. You're a fraud. You'll always be a fraud. And I will never watch another game in which you partake. You're dead to me. And you should be dead to anyone who truly cares about baseball as well.

So go play your meaningless games here at the end of the San Francisco season, and help those millionaires who own the team make a few more bucks (and yourself as well). Congratulations for your outstanding morals. Lick the foot of the Man a few more times, will ya? I think you missed a drop.

Oh, and have fun trying to beat up on more of your teammates real soon. Looks like you're just the most worthy athlete since Jose Canseco. You loser. Not enough bad things can happen to you as far as I'm concerned. Or to your girlfriend, concubine, lovers, yes-men or other fools who sit in the same room as you. I do feel sorry for your wife, though. You want to kick my ass now too?

(Deep Breaths...... OK.)

Texas, I'm not going to bash you until I see the Ohio St. game. Good luck to both teams. It's only your season, so don't get stressed or anything.

The Pirates fire Lloyd McClendon. Duh. Have you watched many Pirates games? Well, let me just save you some time. When your pitcher has only pitched 70 pitches, and is only one run out of the game, after five innings, but you still pull him? Great job screwing up your bullpen. Good job losing the faith of your team. Not like the GM gave you much to work with, but still. Make some good decisions will you? I've seen Little League managers make better baseball decisions. Not that I'm completely discouting the "Fall Guy" argument, but he's not that great of a manager. Period.

Lance might come back? Please don't, my man. You had the whole formal "goodbye" parade and all. Please don't screw all that up and come on back anyway. You want to prove those loser Frenchies wrong? You already did that. Seven f_cking times. Get over it. Enjoy following around your new hottie Sheryl Crow around for a while. Give it up, already. You mean to tell me all those articles that were written about how tired you were, how ready you were to walk away, how serious you were about moving along toward your next phase of life, were all bullshit? Great. Just like your first marriage.

OK. I think I've created enough death threats on my ass for now. Good luck to any "bad" athletes who I may have missed. For now. Maybe stick with playing by the rules for a few.

Or, for a novel approach, try actually being worthy.

I might be going into hiding for a while.


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